The Space Between Stimulus and Response

So often when we get into an argument, or even a vigorous debate, we don’t even stop to listen to what is being said. Instead, we frequently simply reiterate our position, albeit ever more forcefully.

This is too bad, because it misses a huge opportunity.

Author Stephen Covey has written extensively about a perceptive passage he came across while leafing through a book in a library in Hawaii.  (While this quote has often been misattributed to Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning, its true author is unfortunately unknown.)

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our happiness.” 

This statement can apply to many different aspects of life. But, conflict, and especially what I call destructive conflict, is a most interesting case. Destructive conflict occurs when the argument becomes so intense that it interferes with or even undermines the core mission of the organization. Here, our perception of a message can become so distorted that we gravitate to the most negative interpretation, giving way to what I call the Conflict Blind Spot. Instead of working to find common ground, the conflict continues to escalate, causing more hurt, and little gain.

What if instead of immediately lobbing a return barb, you instead pause to reflect on the totality of what you want to get out of the conversation? Do you want that quick satisfaction that comes from upping the ante—proving (at least in your own mind) that the other guy is wrong?

Or do you want something different?  Do you want to advance the mission of your organization, your department, or your team?  Do you want to have positive and harmonious relationships that can lead to long-term fulfillment?

So, the next time you get into one of these situations, try something different. Try to pause, to allow a little space. Then try to envision where that space might lead you. What new possibility for common ground do you see? What new ways of expressing yourself come to mind? What new ways of listening?

Granted, it is often very hard to break with patterns established long ago. But, when you allow the quiet of that space to guide you, instead of raw emotions, you begin to consciously and intentionally choose a response, leading you down a different path—a path of growth and inner peace.